Chamber of Horrors

Posted on June 10, 2014 under Storytelling with no comments yet


Waxing eloquent



I have been a member of the Chamber of Commerce most of my working life.  Organizations like this are very important in small towns and large cities as they give a voice to the business community.  They help to orchestrate public policy and put their weight behind community projects.

But it is not “all work and no play”.   From time to time, the Chamber members assemble to kick off the dust and forget about the worries of business.

My colleagues at work are the major sponsor of a fundraising golf tournament each year.  The proceeds go to the Chamber to help facilitate the important work it does.  The fifth annual event was held recently.  I was asked to round out our team’s foursome.  I did so with some apprehension.  I haven’t played golf in almost eight years and I have a bad back.  These are two good reasons to take a pass.  But every once in a while, a person has to take one for the team.   The scramble format is conducive to someone like me who hasn’t played much golf recently.  You can lean on the other three members of the foursome.

The forecast was a bit iffy.  Heavy rains were due to subside by tee off time and then there were hopes of sunshine.  The weatherman got the first part right.  By the time we set out, the rains had indeed stopped and it was balmy.  Like many of the other golfers, I anticipated a pleasant day and was dressed in shorts, a golf shirt and a wind breaker.

Our foursome got off to an auspicious start.  On the very first hole, we scored a two on a par four hole.  The eagle has landed.  The best news is that I didn’t have to hit a shot on that hole.  I decided, wisely, not to try anything heroic, like hitting a driver.  Most of my day was spent hitting wedges and putting.  And shivering.

I’m not sure where weather people get their education but I’m glad I don’t always count on their prognostications.  The weather did not continue to warm up.  As a matter of record, the thermometer took a nose dive.  The day went from balmy to chilly, to downright cold, in rapid succession.  I could not even fortify myself with the “demon rum” as that ship sailed several years ago.  Three cups of black coffee in rapid succession only made me shake more.

My personal purgatory became my partners’ hell.

I would like to say that I made a considerable contribution to the team.  I would also like to say that I am filthy stinking rich.  Both would be bold faced lies.

Simply put, I stunk the joint out.  I looked and played like a beginner.  My best shots of the day were with my camera.

I don’t function well when I’m hungry.  When I reached the 14th tee off, I walked briskly to the refreshment cart in search of sustenance.  No sandwiches or chips left.  The only option was chocolate bars.  I practically ripped them out of the hands of the young lady driving the food wagon.

Have you ever hoarded food so that no one else could get a morsel of what you were eating?  I devoured two bars in rapid succession and made no attempts at sharing.  My day care training of “sharing and caring” was left in the dust.

The only bright spot in the day was taking part in a unique contest where you had a chance to drive a ball into an apparatus containing a pane of glass.  If you were able to break the glass, you had an opportunity to be part of a putting contest for a 52” flat screen T.V.  I think they should, forthwith, call this contest “A Pane in the Glass”.

The day ended on a high note with a wonderful steak dinner and the handing out of several door prizes.  I never win door prizes.  I watched with envy as name after name was called.  The prizes were quite impressive.  A night’s stay at a resort, rounds of golf and gift cards. And when it appeared that almost everyone in the room had won something, my name was called.  I pulled my aching body out of the chair and proudly walked to the front of the room.

The master of ceremonies presented me with 3.87 liters of “Zip Wax” car wash and wax and a camouflage baseball cap that would be the envy of the boys on “Duck Dynasty”.  If you saw our car, you would know that applying a coat of car wax would be akin to putting lipstick on a pig.

My own personal Chamber of Horrors finally and mercifully came to an end.


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