Posted on February 1, 2014 under Storytelling with one comment

We are all well aware of Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  Into the pantheon of phraseology, I would like to add my own: Len’s Law.  Buy something you have been putting off and within six months you won’t need it or will sell it.

The best example of this axiom is the purchase of a snow blower.  You have been shovelling your driveway, sidewalk and steps forever.  There was a time that this wasn’t such a big deal.  Actually, there was a time that one was very happy their neighbor didn’t own a snow blower.  When we were kids, we made lots of spending money shovelling people out after a storm.  Today, it is almost impossible to pry a young person away from a mobile device to do such mundane work.

But now, you are older.  Your joints creak and you spend more time talking about your ailments than you do about almost anything else, save the weather.  Now when it snows, you haul your arthritic body out of bed and reluctantly grab a shovel for what now has become a Herculean job.  Not so bad if it only snows once or twice each winter.

But then, you get the winter from hell and it seems that you spend all of your waking hours shovelling … and cursing.  Your spirit is finally broken and after years of thinking about it, you order a snow blower. You get the call from the supplier that your new toy has arrived… the day after the January thaw.  There is no evidence of snow, after three days of rain and +10 degree weather.   And you just know that it will not snow again this winter and possibly the next three.

People love living in the country.  They love the tranquility and the wide open spaces.  Most country folks have big lawns, sometimes a few acres or more.  You love the workout of mowing the lawn with a gas engine push mower.  Even though it takes several hours, you dismiss this because you are out in the fresh air and you absolutely worship the smell of fresh cut grass.

But over time, the chore seems to get tougher for reasons already explained.  You get one of those summers that it seems like the grass is growing just as fast as you can cut it.  You throw in the towel and finally buy a ride on mower.  “Nothing runs like a Deere.”  For the remainder of the summer there is an unprecedented heat wave and you never cut the lawn again.  And then your wife decides that she wants to move back to town.  You buy a mini home and put it in one of the parks.  The lawn is the size of a decent throw rug and you can cut it with a reasonably sharpened pair of scissors.

But my own personal favorite is home renovations.  You have always pined for a second bathroom in the house, having grown up in a family of ten with a single bathroom.  This will require an extension to your house that you can ill-afford.  You find several innovative ways to rationalize this purchase.

You have barely flushed the new toilet twice when you hear the ominous words: “This might be a good time to sell the house.”  Remarkably, despite a sluggish real estate market, your house sells quickly.  You never had the chance to enjoy the new part of the house and, of course, you never recover the cost of the renovation.

There is a corollary to Len’s Law: “If you want it to stop raining, buy an umbrella.”

 

 

 

Posted on January 30, 2014 under Thursday Tidbits with one comment

Shameless self promotion….round 2! If you’re at lose ends next week ( Wednesday, Feb.5th. @ 2:00.m. ), come on down to the People’s Place library for an hour of storytelling and light refreshment. I’ve often wondered what heavy refreshments would look like! Phil and I will be bantering back and forth talking about the process of writing, reading a few pieces and chatting it up with the audience. We would love to have you come… if you can get yourself dug out.

I still have a backlog of stories waiting to be unleashed. “Band on the Run” takes the reader back to Antigonish in the late ’60’s and chronicles the comings and goings of two local bands: The Strangers and The Escorts. “Len’s Law” deals with the quirky nature of life. You just know that when you’ve finally broken your back shovelling snow and decide to order a snow blower, that it won’t snow the rest of the winter, and possibly the next two. ” No Sign of Stew” came about from an encounter last weekend when I was in Halifax visiting our granddaughter. I went to visit friends in Cole Harbour. Sid wasn’t home so I went to see other friends! I hadn’t been there in over 10 years and finding the house ( without GPS ) proved to be more than I bargained for. A street sign would have helped.

My “Casket” story next week which will also appear on my website ( Wed. 5th. ) is a Valentine’s Day special. And what’s better than one V.D. special ( may want to change that acronym! ) ? Gosh but you guys are brilliant.  Two stories on the same topic. Yes, the week after my story, my partner in crime, Phil will be tackling the same subject, albeit from a very different angle. My story is titled ” The Heart of the Matter.” You will all remember the reference in the first paragraph of the story. When I say “cut out Valentines cards” … you know, the ones you cut, folded and gave to everyone in the class in elementary  school, you know what I’m talking about, right?

Do you ever look at the ads on Facebook? Neither do I. But if you are female, between the ages of 45-65 and live in Nova Scotia, would you humour me and see if you can spot a Week45 ad? I’m conducting an experiment as part of a class I’m taking on social media. Just message me if you see it on your feed. Thanks.

Believe it or not, I still have copies of my book for sale despite my presence on the N.Y. Times best seller list ( North Yarmouth ). Wouldn’t the gift of laughter be a swell Valentines Day gift? And only $15. I will autograph the book and even write “sweet nothings” if you so desire. Available at 5 to $1.00, Brendan’s, Brosha’s Short Stoppe and the Plum Tree… and of course from me.

Posted on January 28, 2014 under Storytelling with one comment

 

 

“Wine improves with age.  The older I get, the better I like it.”

Anonymous

Is it just my imagination or is every single person (married people too!)­ on the planet over the age of 55 drinking wine these days?  Is it possible that the glory days of rum, scotch and tequila have been thrown into the dustbin of our collective history, relegated to memories … many of them bad?  Is wine a passing fad of the boomers or a fundamental shift in drinking patterns?

It seems that many of us started our illustrious drinking careers consuming cheap wine, and now we’ve reached the other end of the continuum and we’re drinking expensive stuff.

Show of hands.  How many of you have put a jug of Golden Glow up to your lips?  Ruby Rouge?   Hermit? Bright’s 74?  Mateus?  You probably imbibed some of this nectar of the gods when you were young.  And lived to tell about it.

.And, speaking of Hermit, connoisseurs know that Hermit’s Dark was a for fighting at dances and Hermit’s White was dancing wine

Now it’s merlot and shiraz and zinfandel (zin).  More and more people not only drink wine before, during and after meals, but they have become students.  Many tourists now include a tour of wineries when they travel abroad.  I have done tours of scotch facilities in Scotland and rum factories in Barbados.  They usually have hazard signs when entering these facilities.  And I don’t think they’re worried about you coming into contact with dangerous equipment.

And speaking of zin.   Last year when we were in Florida, I received a text from a friend who was just arriving at the airport in Tampa.  “Please pick up a couple of bottles of white zinc.”  I almost went to an art store thinking that she was going to do some painting.  When I replied, “What do you want white zinc for?” she immediately corrected me and asked me to remove the c from zinc.

We have always had good excuses to drink.  We become smarter, wittier and sexier.  Fat chance.  How about better dancers?  The only time I went to a square dance, I nearly knee capped my partner after an overabundance of Captain Morgan.

And why are so many people consuming wine in record amounts?  Because it’s part of a healthy diet.   A six ounce glass of red wine is supposed to be good for our hearts.

When was the last time that you saw a Maritimer measure a drink?  What utter nonsense.   Around here, you pour your booze “by feel”.  You either eyeball it or give it the two or three finger test.  Doctors suggest that we stop after consuming a measly six ounces of wine per day.  Sage advice, but hardly worth opening the bottle.  Is it o.k. to toss down a week’s worth all at once?

My wife is a big fan of a local wine, Nova 7.  So is my mother.  Twice as expensive as most sparkling wines, it has half the alcohol content.  Hmmmm.  Keeping my wife and my mother happy … priceless.

Maybe wine appreciation is a fad, or maybe it is a trend that is here to stay.  The baby boomers have long defined what is “hip”.  Be careful, because being hip now has a very different meaning.  You’re more apt to be replacing one than being one.