The Heart of the Matter

Posted on February 5, 2014 under Storytelling with no comments yet

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“Cupid draw back your bow and let your arrow go, straight to my lover’s heart for me …”

Cupid, a song by Sam Cooke

Cupid has been messing with our heads for a very long time, especially when it comes to men.  My first brush with romance (one of many failures in this arena) was in elementary school when we handed out paper cut out Valentines.  If you gave one out to every girl in the class, the odds were stacked in your favor that one of them might return the favor and even smile at you.  How little we knew about the ways of women.

Valentine’s Day can become a very expensive proposition during the dating years.  How do you impress a girl when you are in a constant state of poverty?  A card alone, asking her to be your Valentine, simply won’t cut it.  You may scramble up enough cash to take her out for a pizza and a movie when you’re a teenager, but in the ensuing years it becomes much costlier as the jewelry store now vies for your attention … and hers.

And then you get married.  It is expected that you will do some fine dining, along with flowers and possibly chocolate.  That is, until the first baby arrives on the scene.

How is it that everything changes when you have a baby?  Any mention of romance is typically greeted with a bemused smile or outright derision, regardless of whether or not it’s Valentine’s Day.  What most women with very young children want is not intimacy with their partner.  No, as a matter of fact, you might just get a whack on the side of the head with an ill-timed comment about this topic.  Listen up men.  What they want most is intimacy … with a pillow, especially if it’s not in the same room with you.  The absolute best gift any man can give a woman is the promise of a good night’s sleep.

So, take it from me, offer to get up during the night to feed the baby.  Caution: this won’t work too well if she’s breast feeding.  Try the “diaper and deliver” method instead.

My wife is reading all of this and going “Who wrote this?”  You see, I have never been accused of being overly romantic, and Valentine’s Day is just another day in my world.  I am not a shopper, so chocolates and jewelry have never been the norm in our household.  As a matter of fact, if I presented flowers and the promise of a meal on Valentine’s Day, she might get very suspicious and wonder if I had a hidden agenda or if I was guilty about some yet unreported transgression.  Or, alternately, she might suffer heart failure at the shock of receiving a gift.

Mike asked his friend Marty whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Yes”, responded Marty, “I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.”  “That was very kind of you,” added Mike. “I hope she appreciated the thought.”  Marty smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”

Be careful pulling a stunt like that or you just may be picking one of cupid’s arrows out of your arse.

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